Soul Society Snippets
by Aurorawhisperwind
Summary: The gossip colou- errrr... the "Newspaper" version of Bleach.
1. Chapter 1

**Aurora whisperwind:** This fic is inspired by MisBehavin's _The Meiji Journal_ and Barbara Sheridan's _Mibu Times Dispatch_ and Umeko-san's marvellous _The Japan bulletin. _

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Bleach or any of its characters. It would have been a silly, overly fluffy shojou show if I did.

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**Articles**

Hello to all the faithful readers of the Soul Society Snippets! Our staff, and I, Kunizaki Touya, my partner Kamio Minami bring to you an unbiased account of the various happenings in and around Soul society and the living world. We repeat; we are not a cheap gossip paper! We print the truth!!!! So will someone please stop Abarai fuku-taichou from trashing our offices for hinting he has a rather pink, fluffy secret in our last edition! It _is_ true that he has a stuffed bunny rabbit called Bon-bon-chan. Anyway, getting to this weeks edition… which has been rather dull, by the way.

-Kunizaki Touya (currently off to dig more stuff about Abarai-san)

**CHAPPY SHORTAGE**

In a drastic development, the shortage of the very popular mascot 'Chappy the rabbit' endorsed products has been confirmed. Chappy dolls, Gikongan, make up, toiletries and even Umbrellas are gone! It's like there is a mad sadistic menace in our society who is hoarding them all! For his dark, evil purposes… little by little we'll fall into his trap… not knowing until it's too late… I, Kunizaki Touya solemnly swear to get to the bottom of this… even if it costs me my life, my happiness, even my love. ("Aaaww, Touya, I didn't know you cared so much!" "Shut up bitch, I was talking about my Rangiku-san plushie")

**MENOS GRANDE ATTACK**

At approximately 4:00 pm earth time yesterday, there was a suspicious gathering of hollows followed by the appearance of a Menos Grande in the small town of Karakura. However, instead of the general chaos, panic, death and destruction that should have ensued, all the hollows were taken care of and the Menos was seriously injured, report the secret mobile corps. The shinigami assigned to the town is Kuchiki Rukia, who has been missing for a while, but it is improbable that she could have won this battle on her own. As usual, the _noble_ house of Kuchiki refuses to confirm or deny any news. Officials remain tight-lipped over the issue, although there are rumours galore. But as we have vowed never to encourage cheap, trashy gossip, all we ask is that our readers wait for an official statement.

By the way… does anyone know that Abarai-san has a crush on Kuchiki Rukia? Ooohh, wonder what Big brother Kuchiki-taichou thinks of this! Bwahahahahaha! ("Honestly Minami-san, is the evil laughter necessary?" "Butt out, will you! Abarai trashed my precious report on the alleged shoplifting of candy by Hitsugaya taichou…revenge is mine!")

**ADVICE COLUMN**

Hi there! It's me Mystery Matsu! Thank you for all the letters asking me for advice! Now, let's get to it…

Mystery Matsu,

My life sucks. My junior officer is an absolute moron who is ditzy and silly and drapes herself all over me all the time. All my colleagues are insane, excepting three, but one's an ice block, one a blind weirdo and another a crazy lady who pretends to be good and pure but is evil inside… on second thought, she's nuts too. I can't get anyone to respect me, just because I'm shor- er, small statured. But that doesn't bother me. At all. Got any advice?

Not-so-short.

Dear Not-so-short,

Oh you poor dear! You seem to be in deep denial, darling. Your height does seem to bother you. You can't help your colleagues, but remember to smile and brave through it. Don't worry though; I'm sure your junior officer can help. Why don't you clear things up with her tonight?

Yours sincerely,

Matsu-chan.

Dear Mystery Matsu,

I adore my junior officer, and use every possible occasion to show her what I feel. But she doesn't seem to feel the same way… is it because I dress kind of strange? Or because I drink a lot? Or neglect my duties sometimes… or glance at other women sometimes… is that bad?

Dispirited-Romeo.

Dear Dispirited-Romeo,

Yes, you are behaving badly. She's a woman for god's sake! She shouldn't be shown affection in such a crude way… be innovative. Surprise her. See how things will change. Hoping for the best,

Matsu-chan.

**PERSONAL ADS**

_Mamma, where are you? _

-Yuiichi-kun.

Well, that's it for today. Be back next edition!

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Author notes: Well, I'm happy with it. I know it needs work. Let me know what you think of this. Read and review! 


	2. Chapter 2

**Aurora whisperwind: **Well… it has been some time, but here's an update! And thank you for all the wonderful reviews, you guys! And the constructive criticism, you're right; the parenthesis was irritating, so no more of that!

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Bleach or any of its characters. They all belong to Kubo-san.

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**Articles**

Hello again, good people! I hope you all had a good week. Well, without further ado, let's get to the important pieces of news.

Kuchiki Rukia ARRESTED

In an interesting development, Kuchiki Rukia, younger sister of Kuchiki Byakuya, the 6th squad captain has been arrested and will be sentenced to death. Her crimes include overstaying in the living world, illegal transfer of her powers to some boy and worst of all, staying in a closet in his room (le gasp!) Very un-Kuchiki indeed. Wonder what big brother thinks of his sister's scandalous liaisons with a boy ten times younger than her.

Byakuya-san, instead of trying to save a family member has decided to support her execution. Knew all the Kuchikis were arrogant snotrags. Not that said criminal deserves mercy, her murder of a certain someone who was standing in the way of her career was never investigated. It was an _accident_, apparently. Rukia is currently in the 6th squad holding cell and will be executed in twenty five days.

KUCHIKI RUKIA INTERVIEW FIASCO

Unfortunately, we at Soul Society Snippets could not obtain an interview, because our reporter freaked out and crashed into a wall when she saw a pink and white clad, almost naked Abarai Renji. She managed to get a photograph however, and readers can judge how outrageously the man dresses. For god's sake, there are flowers on it! We suspect he did it on purpose, to discourage potential interview seekers. Minami is still unconscious, but out of danger. We are sorry for disappointing our readers, but we'll try to get the interview next week. The reporters of Soul Society Snippets cannot be thwarted twice by such cross dressing freaks.

CHAPPY SHORTAGE

In other important news, the eerie disappearances of Chappy endorsed items are increasing in spite of tough security arrangements. What are the _elders_ at the Central office of forty six doing? This is far more important than some execution! It clearly shows the social ills plaguing us, the fact that the members of the noble families get more attention and facilities than the general public. More on this next week.

ADVICE COLUMN

Hello, it's Mystery Matsu again! No good letters this week… just a few pointless death threats from Not-so-short.

Dear Mystery Matsu,

Well it's me again. I tried surprising her with a lovely bottle of sake which I made myself. But she screamed at me and threw the whole lot away, and then hit me with her book! She also hasn't spoken to me in week… What the hell? She threw good sake away! I'm really confused now… what can I do to make it up to her?

Dispirited-Romeo.

Dear Dispirited-Romeo,

Oh god, only men can be this dense. I know I said 'Surprise her' but this is ridiculous! Wasn't it obvious she hated to drink? She seems to be a clear headed, thinking girl. Buy her a nice book, or get her flowers or chocolates. And cut down on _your_ drinking. Hoping for the best,

Matsu-chan.

PERSONAL ADS

WANTED: A non girly robe for my imbecile lieutenant. Contact the Sixth division.

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Be back next week with more!!!!

Read and review, please.


	3. Chapter 3

**Aurora whisperwind:** And I'm back!

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Bleach or any of its characters. They all belong to Kubo-san.

**Articles**

Well it has been an incredibly exciting few days here at Soul Society ne? I'm sure our readers are very eager for reliable news, unlike the crappy rumors that have been spreading lately. Let's get to the articles then…

RYOKA ATTACK

A bunch of Ryoka have seemingly infiltrated Soul Society. Normally, this wouldn't be big news as the phenomenon of souls straying, though uncommon, is not unheard of. However, what is unusual is that one of this group (eye-witnesses say that it was weird punk with orange hair) actually managed to defeat the mighty Jidanbou, the guardian of the white way (!) And then, they somehow escaped from a Shinigami no less than Ichimaru Gin, the third squad captain (!!) Jidanbou is alive and recuperating, and according to the people of west Rukongai, thanks to a beautiful girl staying by his side and healing him for most of the day. The Ryoka's present whereabouts are unknown. According to latest reports there were five of them- the orange haired monster (A 'hunk' say a few demented teenage girls) a busty, long haired, beautiful young girl; a large stone idol like man; a wimpy, girly looking sod in white and a talking cat who sounded like a perverted old man. Their motives are unknown, although we at Soul Society Snippets believe that they may have something to do with our ongoing Chappy shortage crisis.

KUCHIKI RUKIA MOVED

Alas, it seems we will not have our interview with Kuchiki Rukia as she will be moved to the shrine of repentance tomorrow and will be executed in only fourteen days. Abarai Renji (freaky bastard) will oversee the transfer. The mode of execution will be the Sou kyoku. WTF? She's not even a vice-captain, yet she gets this grand execution, how corrupt can the higher ups get?????

However, we have some good news. There seems to be some sod named Yamada Hanatarou of the 4th division who acted as the janitor of Kuchiki's cell. Sources say that she spoke quite a bit to him. Now if we can get a hold on him…

ADVICE COLUMN

Mystery Matsu is back! And what an exciting time the past few days have been! Thank you for all the letters asking me for advice, I'll try my best with them.

Dear Mystery Matsu,

I'm this incredibly shy guy who admires a certain imprison- er… this really great woman. The sad part is, she's very kind to me and all, but doesn't notice me at all otherwise. She's so sad most of the time and I want to make her feel better, but I don't know how. I want to know how I can, ummm…. Well… how I can… errrr… look um, more uh, manly blushes 

-Wants-to-be-confident.

Dear Wants-to-be-confident,

There's only one road to that honey! Try and talk to this woman and get her to confide in you. Remember, a willing ear and a sympathetic heart are very valuable things to a woman. And try to cheer her up by cooking her a nice meal or taking her out or something like that. Don't lose your nerve, okay?

Love,

Mystery Matsu.

PERSONAL ADS

Wanted: A nice red ribbon for my beloved Bonnie-chan. Previous one got lost in a squabble.

**Notes:** A short chapter. The situation as of now is the night before they meet Kuukaku. I'm sure all of you know who's not so confident. He's in for a shock when he finds out she's been taken away. And will the staff of SSS find him? Stay tuned for more!!!

Read and review, please.


	4. Chapter 4

**Aurora Whisperwind:** Thank you for all the wonderful reviews! You guys inspired me to update earlier than usual, please keep them coming!!! And the scoop is out!

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Bleach or any of its characters. They all belong to Kubo-san.

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Rejoice, readers of Soul Society Snippets! I, Kunizaki Touya, am proud to have finally managed to rob- errr, borrow the diary of the said janitor of Kuchiki Rukia's cell after a week of hectic work. And needless to say, we at SSS have unraveled some shocking information about her days in the living world during the month of her disappearance from the said diary. Oh and also, we have the latest updates on the situation with the Ryoka. So without further ado, let's get down to it. 

**ARTICLES**

THE TRUTH ABOUT KUCHIKI RUKIA'S ACTIVITIES

(Part 1)

Excerpts from the diary of an unnamed pansy

Article by- Kamio Minami and Himawari Nami

"Today my assignment is to clean Kuchiki Rukia-sama's cell in the sixth division. I'm so nervous; she's a noble from one of the four families! And Kuchiki-taicho's sister! What if she thinks I'm offensive? What if she doesn't like me? Oh god, I could be fired!! Or worse, executed!"

_Oh lord, what a sod._

"I'm back! Rukia-san's such a wonderful person! She's so sweet and gentle and womanly. She calmed me down with that wonderful, melancholy smile of hers and it was like I was in heaven. Those beautiful blue eyes radiated more kindness than I had ever imagined… but they were so sad."

_Wow, that was some description. Naturally, we were pretty curious and dug up some pictures of Kuchiki, and we must say… she does have beautiful eyes. That's why we decided to print one of the best ones and let our readers' judge for themselves. Anyway, moving on…_

"Today, I mustered up all my courage and asked Rukia-san what the living world is like. I don't remember much from when I was alive and I was pretty curious. For a second, I thought she wasn't going to answer me and I apologized in a hurry but she surprised me. I'm recording our conversation here so that I'll never, ever forget what she said.

'They have a beverage called _Juice pack_' she said and before I could help myself, I asked her what kind of a drink it was. I saw a hint of a smile in those lovely eyes as she whispered 'It is a difficult drink… it requires a trick to drink it. It even gave me trouble…' A DRINK THAT GAVE HER TROUBLE! It must be very difficult indeed. I hope I never come across it. 'Hanatarou might not be able to drink it even after learning the trick' she said, and after a moment '_He_ taught me how to drink it'. She looked so wistful as she said it, and her clasped, porcelain-like hands trembled a little. I wonder who this man is to be able to invoke such powerful emotions in her… Was it the one who stole her powers? He is the one responsible for her plight now, yet she doesn't seem to hate him at all; instead there was such longing in her eyes"

_We searched frantically to find out the identity of the human who she gave her powers to and found out that it was an orange haired punk, named __**Kurosaki Ichigo**__ who, it seems was the one who beat the Menos Grande that had appeared in the living world lately! He must be really, really good! However, during the capture of Kuchiki by the 6__th __squad captain and his vice-captain, the human was said to have been killed. It seems now that they were sloppy and that guy is the orange haired Ryoka. Evidently he came to rescue her. Oh this is so romantic and dramatic! To fight so many odds and rescue the lonely princess in the white tower… this is marvelous! He must be very brave and knightly and powerful!!! (Stars in eyes) We at SSS are cheering for him! Go Ichigo, Go! _

_Due to length considerations, we have to cut this article short now. But worry not readers; we'll be back next week with part two. (Run off to try and get a few pictures of him) _

RYOKA INFILTERATE SEIREITEI

In a dramatic fashion, the Ryoka group has invaded Seireitei. A giant cannonball struck the shield and before the shocked eyes of the officers of various squads, split into 4 parts and landed separately. Madarame Ikkaku of the 11th squad was found defeated a while later, along with four men of the same squad. They reported that it was an orange haired Shinigami with a Zampaktou that was 'huge'. Shortly after, there was a mysterious firework display in the sky and Ayasekawa Yumichika of the 11th squad was also found…errr… um… bald. He refused to say who did it, and all the men have been carried off to the 4th squad relief station.

Meanwhile, the 'Kamaitachi' Ikkanzaka Jiroubou of the 7th squad was also found defeated. His Chain link and Soul sleep points had been destroyed very precisely, but otherwise, he was uninjured. He claimed that a man in white with a strange bow, a Quincy, had beaten him. In his company, he added was a beautiful long haired girl who used an unknown technique. Could it have been the girly boy in white? Pshaw. Quincys have been extinct for a long while now. He must have been hallucinating.

So, in brief the situation as of now is that Kurosaki Ichigo, whom SSS fully supports, is on his way to save Kuchiki Rukia and his companions must be here for kicks. Or maybe they're here to find out the root cause for the still mysteriously disappearing Chappy items? Time will tell.

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The advice column for this week is suspended as Mystery Matsu is slightly busy with the Ryoka invasion and all. She'll be back next week though!

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Missing: A pink, lacy book. It's one of my most precious possessions! Contact Yamada at 4th division if any clues. Please, I'm dying out here!

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**Author's notes:** Trust the girls at SSS to start an IchiRuki fan club. I am a wee bit nervous about this week. How do guys like the diary excerpts? Also, if anyone has ideas for the advice columns, I would be very grateful. Write to Matsu, I say! 

Please read and review.


	5. Chapter 5

**Aurora Whisperwind:** Thank you for all your lovely reviews! Here's an update. Some of your letters to Mystery Matsu have been answered.

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Bleach or any of its characters. They all belong to Kubo-san.

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The action is heating up like crazy, and we at SSS have been forced to publish earlier than we thought. First up, the continuation of 'The truth about Kuchiki Rukia's activities' and some fan service for all the readers who wrote back enthusiastically. Then we'll have an update on the Ryoka invasion (Yep, they're still here) 

Enjoy, Kunizaki Touya.

_-Sighs- We really need some male fan service as well. There are too many pictures of the orange head. _

**ARTICLES**

THE TRUTH ABOUT KUCHIKI RUKIA'S ACTIVITIES

(Part 2)

Excerpts from the diary of an unnamed pansy

Article by- Kamio Minami and Himawari Nami

_To the young ladies who wrote stating that they were starting a "Romeo and Juliet: The Shinigami and The Ryoka" fan club- YES! LET THE RYOKA LOVE SPREAD! WAIT TILL YOU READ THIS SECOND PART, THEIR LOVE STORY IS SO BEAUTIFUL!_

_-Cough- _

_Anyway, moving on…_

"Today I learnt some more interesting things about the living world. And the wonderful Rukia-san! I asked her (I'm getting bolder, hee hee!) if there were any unusual happenings in the living world and you know what she said? Guess! She told me that the illegal modified soul pills could be put in things other than humans! O.O Apparently there was a man she knew who put it into a stuffed doll. Imagine how funny that would've looked! Without thinking I blurted out that there really were some crazy people out there and immediately regretted it. I'm such a clumsy idiot in front of her! But Rukia-san just looked dreamily out of the window and whispered 'That's right, there sure are some crazy people out there' and there was this smiling, wistful note in her soft voice. Then, she smiled- a gentle, peaceful, loving smile and I knew it was time for me to leave; for she was smiling at someone I couldn't see, she'd forgotten about me.

It's the same man she's talking about. Always, always him. And now I know why; there was always such amusement in her tone when she talked about him, this man could bring a smile to those beautiful pale lips… Oh she looks like an angel when she smiles!"

_And there readers, is the reason why she didn't come back. -sob- That was so beautiful! What an incredible guy he is; go Ichigo, go!_

"Today was awful. Rukia-san's older brother, Kuchiki Byakuya-sama came and announced the formal death sentence. Death sentence! Imagine, this lovely, gentle, beautiful woman being so cruelly executed! I was so upset I wanted to cry out, but stopped at the absolutely calm expression on Rukia-san's face. Her eyes were a just a bit melancholy, but otherwise she betrayed no sign of her inner turmoil. What a noble woman she is! I can't believe she won't be there after twenty five days, just twenty five days from now….

I had to know, so I asked her about the person she gave her powers to, and before I even finished my question she interposed 'A man named Kurosaki Ichigo. He and I only spent two months together, yet strangely he was someone I could trust completely. And yet…' she paused, and those delicate hands curled into fists 'And yet because of me, his fate has been twisted and he has been hurt terribly. No matter what I do, I can never fully atone.' Those lovely eyes were distressed as she said these words, and her voice was teary. Truly she a noble and pure soul. She was not upset about her unfair fate; she was upset about the hurt she had caused another person. Is there no god??? How can he let someone so wonderful die???"

_Wow, it seems we were completely wrong about Kuchiki Rukia's character. And there is god; Kurosaki Ichigo is the divine messenger from god who has come to save her! Justice will win! Go, Ichigo go! We at SSS are with you all the way! _

_-Cries-_

RYOKA INFILTERATION

Several altercations erupted, with 6th squad's vice-captain Abarai Renji and the entire 10th squad minus the captain and vice-captain (who have disappeared mysteriously) now falling to the stray Shinigami named Kurosaki Ichigo.

Earlier, 3 squadrons of the 11th squad reported to have spotted and gave chase to a very ugly man wearing green robes who apparently was hollering "ICHIGO! WHERE ARE YOU?" in an earth-shatteringly loud voice. Although that could be because members of the newly formed Ryoka fan club were also shouting the very same thing at around the same time. They pursued him relentlessly, they said, until Kurosaki Ichigo himself was spotted approaching from the opposite direction with the rest of the 10th squad behind him. In a blindingly fast move though, the two Ryoka took out a few men only to be surrounded by the remaining squad members.

However, they were suddenly interrupted by some sod (a puny little girl with short hair, the men described later) of the 4th squad who pushed through all of them and landed near the cornered Ryoka who immediately seized her and attempted to use her as a hostage. That plan failed miserably of course, and just as they began to attack; half of them were wiped out by an enormous explosion and the rest of them by the Ryoka who have now a hostage with them. The remaining 11th squad members report that the explosion was caused by a giant with one eye who had a freaky arm who escaped after attacking them again.

Abarai Renji was found near-death later in the evening, sources say. It is almost certain that his opponent was Kurosaki Ichigo, but no trace of him was found at the scene so he is assumed to be uninjured. Abarai meanwhile has been put into a holding cell by the orders of his captain, Kuchiki Byakuya. Byakuya-san's way of showing he cares to people around seems to be putting them into jail. Mind you, we're not complaining. Maybe Abarai can die instead of Rukia-chan (!)

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ADVICE COLUMN

Mystery Matsu is back! Thank you for all the letters asking me for advice.

Dear Mystery Matsu,

I am a silent type of guy. I like cute things. Lately, I made an acquaintance with a very cute black cat. I like the cat. I want to pet the cat. What should I do?

Wants-to-pet-cat.

Dear Wants-to-pet-cat,

Errrrmmm… why don't you just ummm… pet it?

–Backs away slowly-

Dear Mystery Matsu,

I think I like this certain girl, but she doesn't notice me. She is totally infatuated by this other guy who easily outranks me in the 'awesome' category; but is very crude, dumb, and smelly, has poor taste in clothes and does not appreciate the finer things in life. How do I confess my feelings without getting my heart broken?

Quincy honour.

Dear Quincy honour,

Well, you have a problem on your hands. Regardless of how crude, dumb or smelly a guy is, if he's awesome he gets noticed. You could try two things. First, try to be awesome yourself- e.g.: Talking laconically, beating up bullies into pulp and generally being cool. Or, get her away from the guy somehow for some nice alone time with you. She should appreciate you once she starts looking beyond the big picture.

All the best,

Mystery Matsu.

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WANTED: A very good camera which can focus from long distance to take pictures of a certain yummy Ryoka. Contact R&J at the 84th street.

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**Author's note:** So now Ichigo's the divine messenger from god, and the bitch Kuchiki is Rukia-chan. After initial hiccups, this story seems to be progressing nicely. Thank you to all the reviewers! Keep writing to Mystery Matsu if you can! 

Read and review, please.


	6. Chapter 6

**Aurora Whisperwind:** And I'm back! Thanks for the reviews, few as they were... -sobs- Please review people! I didn't know if you liked the last chapter or not, and people are just adding me to story alert and not reviewing... 

Well, that was babyish. Anyways, to the fic! 

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Bleach or any of its characters. Everything belongs to Kubo-san.

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If you thought the last issue was intense, it's nothing like what's happening now. For the second time, SSS has been forced to publish early- the Ryoka are still here, and wreaking havoc. Without further ado let's get to the items.

Kunizaki Touya. 

ARTICLES

AIZEN SOUSUKE DEAD

Ina shocking development, Fifth division captain Aizen Sousuke was found murdered within the court near the east sacred wall. His lieutenant Hinamori Momo was the one who found him, and she alerted the rest of the lieutenants by screeching so loudly, even _we_ heard it. We did investigate, honestly we did, but we ran into the members of the "_Romeo and Juliet: The Shinigami and The Ryoka" _fan club (The R&J club for short) having a super-special meeting about the sale of some pictures, and so... we were side-tracked. Anyway, Hinamori lost her head and started accusing the third squad captain Ichimaru Gin, and attacked him. Gin's lieutenant Kira Izuru blocked her attack leading to an altercation between the two lieutenants which threatened to blow up into something huge, but they were stopped by the tenth squad captain Hitsugaya Toushiro. Both of them have been arrested, and now 3 of the 13 lieutenants are in prison.

The 4th squad captain Unohana Retsu herself examined Aizen's body and has confirmed his death. 

EMERGENCY DECLARED

With the Ryoka still not letting up, the old geezer finally decided to get a move on and has invoked special wartime orders. So now continuous carrying of Zampaktou for senior officers, including lieutenants, within the court has been permitted. Also, the wartime release of the mentioned Zampaktou is also permitted. Pshaw, like that's going to stop the determined young man whose divine mission is to save the lonely princess Rukia! The gods themselves favor him! His energy and courage and strength are fueled by the power of true love! You will never stop him! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

GLIMPSES OF THE ORANGE HAIRED HOTTIE 

A regular newsletter that we are hosting on the behalf of the R&J fan club

Alright, this newsletter is to create awareness about the Ryoka known as Kurosaki Ichigo. The girls and I've worked hard gathering as much information as possible, so we're looking forward to your support. Spread the Ryoka-love! Firstly, to clear things up-

To the higher-ups: We will_not_ tell you where he is. We'd rather die than betray him, so don't even try looking for us. You won't find our super-secret place either. 

Anyway, we've been following him for a while now (and have some delicious pics of him, which we are putting up for sale) and have re-affirmed our faith in his nobility and goodness and general squee-factor. We won't betray much, but just last night, we witnessed this heartening scene where his companion (a very ugly man in green robes) mused about how much more difficult its going to get and if Ichigo-kun was serious about this, if his heart was fully in it. Of course he is, you baka! He's the divine messenger from god! And all this awe-inspiring man says is-

"She's waiting"

KYAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! HE'S SO COOL!

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ADVICE COLUMN

Unfortunately, Mystery Matsu's duties call her away, so we will not have her answering your queries. Instead, we're having Alluring Ayasekawa.

Dear Mystery Matsu,

Your advice from last week seems to be working, but not entirely. I and this girl have been spending a lot of time together lately, but she just doesn't get it. All she seems to think about is the crude guy, and she even sleep-talks about him- it's really disturbing. I don't know what to do

Quincy honour.

Dear Quincy honour,

I looked up your last letter, and I must say I really, truly feel your pain. What is with women these days? Why the hell do they prefer dirty, smelly men over us clean, beautiful ones? WHY? I hate ugly people. They're just so sad! It's better dying than living an ugly man's life. 

**Note:** We're sorry to say that we found just this response (It went on for pages, but this is the gist of it) and no sign Alluring Ayasekawa at the office. We will rectify the situation immediately, please bear with us!

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For sale: Some very yummy pictures of the orange haired hunk of a Ryoka. Come to the SSS office to check them out!

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**Author's note:** Not so funny this time, as Aizen's 'death' is nothing to joke about. Poor Ishida, Orihime doesn't seem to be getting it. What do you guys think of it all? Next issue, Zaraki vs. Ichigo! Keep writing to Mystery Matsu, she'll be (hopefully) back next time.

Read and review, please.


	7. Chapter 7

**Aurora Whisperwind:** An update! I do apologize for my spectacular mistake of making Zaraki captain of the tenth... Gomen!! Thanks for the reviews.

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Bleach or any of it's characters.

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Okay we're being forced to publish everyday from now on, as things are happening too fast to catch up otherwise. Thankfully we have a fresh inflow of funds from the big sale of Kurosaki Ichigo pictures and plushies which the R&J fan club organized lately. Anyway, we believe we've come close to discovering the truth behind the Aizen Sousuke murder!

-Kunizaki Touya.

THE TRUTH BEHIND AIZEN'S MURDER

We at SSS believe we've come across a very terrifying theory about the strange occurrences that have been happening lately, starting with Kuchiki Rukia's execution order for her 'crime'- the immediate return of her faux body, the revocation order, the reduction of grace period from thirty-five days to twenty-five days, the use of the Sou Kyoku on a Shinigami of rank other than a captain... all these are very odd and unprecedented events. Now, the murder of a captain in cold blood- who did it? Isn't it almost obvious that whoever is behind this is just using the confusion that the Ryoka have been creating and that both these deaths- Kuchiki Rukia's impending one and Aizen's murder were both _planned_ by someone.

We have our suspicions as to who this someone is, but we aren't going to reveal them until we are surer. Meanwhile the readers can take it for granted that all this has something to do with the Chappy disappearances. It makes perfect sense, the time-line of the events, _and_ Rukia-chan loves Chappy. Ichigo is the only one who can save us all from this peril!

ELEVENTH SQUAD CAPTAIN DEFEATED

by Kamio Minami

_We are very pleased to inform our readers that the eleventh squad captain Zaraki Kenpachi has joined the ever-increasing list of Shinigami defeated by Kurosaki Ichigo. We have a full report of the fight thanks to a very attentive eye-witness who was only too happy to write the article herself for a bag of candy. We merely corrected her numerous spelling errors. So here it is-_

"First we found Icchy after a long time of running around as Ken-chan gets lost easily. When we finally found him, he was all big-eyed and stuff. Two other people fell down when Ken-chan was talking and one of them had loads and loads of drool on his face! And Icchy grew even _more_ big-eyed, and I wanted to go see the guy but Icchy got mad and pushed me off! Ken-chan blamed me and called me stupid but I showed him. Anyway, then Icchy asked me my name and I told him nicely, just like the lady with the weird hair down her front told me to, but he didn't smile at all or tell me his name.

And then he told the other guys to leave, so the other guy took the other guy and ran away. Ken-chan was nice to Icchy too, he offered a freebie and told him to attack first. I thought Icchy would smile now, but he got even madder! He attacked Ken-chan, but nothing happened. He got even madder and started hitting recklessly and I wanted to tell him he was going about it wrong, but no one was listening to me. He played tag with Ken-chan for a while. It was boring just watching. And then he got all serious for a while and kept saying 'Chad' and then he had this frowny face then and then he suddenly cut Ken-chan. Ken-chan was really happy, I was happy too!

But then, they started talking about Zampaktou and Icchy got dead beat again. He was lying on the floor all bleeding and I thought the game was over but then suddenly, he got up again and started beating Ken-chan again! Then Ken-chan removed his eye-patch and Icchy frowned some more, his eyebrows were all funny, hee hee! Anyway, they went for their final moves then and I couldn't see well because many buildings got destroyed and some dust got into my eye. But when I could see again, Icchy was on the floor again, all bloodied up and so was Ken-chan but Ken-chan's sword was all broken too. It wasn't fair, they played together all by themselves and were too tired for me!

And then I picked up Ken-chan and left, but before that I thanked Icchy and told him not to die coz next time, I'll play with both of them too! I like Icchy a lot, almost as much as Ken-chan! I called the lady to look at Ken-chan but Ken-chan went on asking me how Icchy was... I think he likes him too. And after that, he was all depressed that he lost, he didn't! It was two against one! Icchy had Zangetsu or whoever too! I tried to tell him, but he was all weird and sad and 'I-want-to-get-stronger' type and then he fell asleep! I was sad, and Ken-chan was sad too, so I tried to bring Icchy to him to cheer him up, but by the time I got there, all I saw was this naked girl carry him away real fast, so... I couldn't catch them. And that's what happened!"

_See how brilliant he is?? He not only beat Zaraki Kenpachi but also got the guy to respect him!! He's just so unbelievably cool! Squeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!! _

_Wait a minute... a naked girl? _

ONE RYOKA CAUGHT

After days of eluding thirteen squads, finally one of the Ryoka was caught by the eighth squad captain, lecherous leerer and horrendous dresser, Kyouraku Shunsui. The captured Ryoka was badly injured and is undergoing treatment now. His arm had a huge weapon of some sort. He must be the large, iron-statue like man that initial reports of the Ryoka had mentioned.

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ADVICE COLUMN

Mystery Matsu is back! Thank you for all the letters asking me for advice.

Dear Mystery Matsu,

About a week ago, I was a very contented Shinigami with a nice squad, buddies and a fiancée. Now, the stupid Ryoka have invaded us, and the job's real tough, half my buddies are in hospital and my fiancée's gone off and joined the Ryoka fan club!! Already it's really irritating listening to her gush on and on about the oh-so-cool Kurosaki Ichigo but now she's actually trying to change me! She wants me to dress like him, work out and look like him, and dye my hair orange. I don't know what to do, please help!

Pissed off boy friend.

Dear Pissed off boy friend,

Oh dear, that is a problem. I can see why your feelings would be bruised because of this, but try to be understanding. Most girls like the whole fairy-tale romance situations with a strong, handsome hero who has a kick-ass personality a lot, it's like a favourite fantasy for them. Why don't indulge her a little? Dyeing your hair is not a bad alternative, she'll be so happy if you do. Try and give in for once and see how things change. She should be over it soon, so just be as nice as possible and wait, okay?

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**Wanted:** Clothes. Nice, sexy, form-fitting clothes. I kind of lost mine. Contact Catgirl at the bottom of the eastern cliff.

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**Author's notes:** A longish chapter. SSS stumbles upon the truth... or not. Tell me what you guys thought, okay? Next chapter, lots of things happen, and the R&J newsletter will be back to cover Ichigo and Rukia's dramatic reunion. Most of you have given me great idea for the Matsu column, so please keep writing in!

Read and review!


	8. Chapter 8

**Aurora Whisperwind:** Long time, but finally my exams are over! Thanks for the reviews.

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Bleach or any of it's characters.

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Another day, some more drama with the cream of it being Shihouin Yoruichi's return. We are sorry to inform our readers that our advice column is off again- Matsu has been very busy lately and her replacement did not do too well last time, as all of you may recall. We are trying our best to find another columnist, please bear with us! On a happier note, sales have upped like crazy and we at SSS want to thank all our beloved readers! I guess printing the truth has begun to pay off.

SHIHOUIN YORUICHI RESURFACES

-by Kamio Minami

The Ryoka situation has taken a new twist now with the dramatic re-appearance of Shihouin Yoruichi who appears to be Kurosaki Ichigo's ally and possibly the person behind all of this chaos. Earlier today, Rukia-chan's cell had been broken into by two of Ichigo's allies, an ugly green man and the pansy from the 4th squad. However, before they could escape with her, Kuchiki Byakuya blocked their way. Rukia-chan, blessed woman that she is, had just started to beg for their lives when _he_ showed up. Oh how dramatic and exciting it was!! His reiatsu flared unexpectedly and surprised both his lordship Kuchiki as well as Ukitake Jyuushirou, who was present at that time. And then he flew towards her, they both looked at each other and it was a look that gave all of themselves, a look that pulled at heartstrings! Kyaaaaaaa!!

Wounded and scarred, he landed right in front of his princess. What was she thinking as she saw her beloved again? Before she could say anything more than whisper his name though, he walked away- and went up to that stupid girl Hana-whatever!

_How could you, Ichigo? How could you ignore your angel like that??_

That was what we had thought, but thankfully he went up to Rukia immediately afterwards and their reunion was so moving! -_sniffle_- And then, he reassured her, told her he was strong and told her he would defeat her evil brother. Rukia-chan cried a little. We did too. -_sob_-

Anyway, the orange haired god and evil incarnate Kuchiki Byakuya did have an interrupted fight, but just as suddenly, it was interrupted by Yoruichi (the dirty bitch) who promptly knocked out and kidnapped Ichigo again. Their whereabouts are currently unknown.

KUCHIKI BYAKUYA SLICES DOWN UGLY GREEN MAN

-by Himawari Nami

His highness Kuchiki-dono carved down one of the two fugitives who managed to reach Rukia-chan's cell. The heavily injured man was identified as Shiba Ganju, brother of the eccentric Shiba Kuukaku and the late Shiba Kaien. The other one was the sappy pansy Hana-something, the girl Ichigo took as a hostage. Reports say that around mid-morning, the two guards outside the cell were knocked out by the two, who then proceeded to break into Rukia-chan's cell with the help of a stolen spare key. All this while, the phenomenally ugly man kept making lewd comments about how Rukia-poo must be a 'hottie' and that's why Ichigo was dying to save her. The cheap sod.

Upon reaching her, the hideous green weirdo proceeded to manhandle her (We think it was because he didn't find her 'hot' enough, the man-beast) prompting one of our reporters to lose her head. Just as she was about to mash the moron flat, the wimpy girl made some silly speech and thankfully the idiot stopped. Anyway, two seconds later, Kuchiki Byakuya showed up and sliced the baka to bits. He was going to kill the other one as well, but brave, awesome Rukia-chan threw herself across the wimp and begged her brother to spare her life! What an incredibly awesome person she is!! To risk her life so easily for someone else, she is so compassionate!! Her evil brother did not listen, he went for the attack, but luckily, the permanently unwell 13th squad captain Ukitake Jyuushirou prevented that. Both criminals are in custody now and will most likely face heavy penalty. Kuchiki Rukia has been returned to her cell.

GLIMPSES OF THE ORANGE HAIRED HOTTIE

A regular newsletter that we are hosting on the behalf of the R&J fan club

Hi again! We at R&J are have been quite busy over the last couple of days and are thrilled to report to you as to what's been happening. First of all, Ichigo-sama's awe-inspiring fight with Zaraki Kenpachi left both of them with very heavy injuries. Zaraki was carried off by his little brat, and before she came back this dark, naked woman took Ichigo-sama away real fast, leaving us baffled and outraged. We were pretty worried when we searched for hours and still couldn't find them but luckily, there was a clue in this paper so we took it and guess what? Not only did we find our sleeping prince but we also got to see a very rare side of him! Yay!

The woman who took Ichigo-sama was none other than DUN DUN DUN... Shihouin Yoruichi! That relieved us a bit, because everyone knows she was very close to Urahara Kisuke so she couldn't possibly be hitting on our Strawberry-chan for real. So we decided to swallow our apprehensions (not that we were scared of her or anything you know) and while our baby was still asleep, we made this deal with her, in exchange for some clothes.

Presently Ichy-poo woke up. He and Yoruichi (She was the cat who was reported to have been with them when they first landed in Rukongai!) chatted for a while about some weird mask thing and then he asks her how she brought him here. The moment we were waiting for!! Yoruichi turned into her true form (sans clothes, naturally) and we captured that moment on our precious angel's face. It was priceless, honestly. She kept teasing him, and he was as red as a Strawberry and it was so cute!! The poor darling was so overcome. We're organizing a sale of those pictures for more funds (And no, we did not photograph her, perverted male readers) so do buy them and keep supporting us!

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**SALE:** Ichigo-themed plushies. Very lifelike. Would advice caution (when roleplaying) if you are a married/committed woman.

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**Author's note:** How was it, minna-san? I tried to keep the running gags active (ugly Ganju, Hanatarou is a girl etc.) and tried to keep the whole thing sounding like a corny romance novel. Am more or less happy with this chapter. Next chapter, Ishida's fight and the return of Matsu. Do keep giving feedback!

Read and review, please.


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